December 16th, 2025
At first glance, one might expect the book Ace by Angela Chen to simply be a good primer for folks trying to understand why they don’t desire sex so much. And for that, it’s an excellent resource. The author does a great job of normalizing the spectrum of desire folks experience, including no desire. Ms. Chen explains the spectrum and subtleties of asexuality in a way that many folks would find helpful.
What was unexpected to me is how the book is helpful to folks who are allo – or allosexual – a term for folks who aren’t asexual – or ace. The book does an amazing job of normalizing the wide range of intensity of sexual desire, the ways in which sexual desire can be sparked, as well as picking apart romance from sexuality.
Chen also introduces the concept of compulsory sexuality – “a set of assumptions and behaviors that support the idea that every normal person is sexual, that not wanting sex is unnatural and wrong, and that people who don’t care about sexuality are missing out on an utterly necessary experience.” (pg. 35) Examining this cultural phenomenon for what it is – a set of beliefs, not truths, is freeing…and not just for ace folks. It frees up the allo person who enjoys sex, but doesn’t want it that often. It frees up the queer man who doesn’t have many sexual experiences and deep down doesn’t really want them except to relieve the pressure he feels from his peers. Making our own personal experiences with sexuality and romance ok, maybe even “normal” (whatever that means), can relieve so much anxiety, depression, even self-doubt.
So whether you read this book to understand asexuality better – or if you simply want to understand the wide range of sexual desire – including no desire, it’s likely you will enjoy this book. For me, it’s the best book I’ve read on sexuality in a long time.
If you’re looking for a therapist, feel free to contact Mike Giordano at 202-460-6384 or Mike.Giordano.MSW@gmail.com.