May 30th, 2025
Here we are again. Trying to discuss something but ending up in a huge fight. We say things that hurt each other. We get very angry. And then we regret what we said and also feel hurt by what was said.
Is this familiar to you? Are you stuck in this pattern with your partner, the person you love and value so much? If so, there’s help. The book, The High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti, has some great suggestions.
Fruzzetti gives practical advice on how to keep arguments from escalating and making things even worse. He helps you understand and identify when you’re feeling activated – noticing patterns and moving out of them. The book also offers suggestions including taking breaks and trying to put yourself in your partner’s position by empathizing and validating. Additionally, he helps you understand how to recover from painful words you may have inflicted or had inflicted on you.
His book is particularly helpful to people who experience strong and sometimes out-of-control emotions in general. Highly reactive people typically have childhoods and upbringings that were very challenging. They didn’t receive the kind of care and understanding that they needed. They may also have been raised in high conflict households.
If your one of these people, beating up on yourself isn’t helpful or kind. But understanding yourself and your insecurities with compassion can be very useful. And when you can bring this compassion to your partner, the potential for a stronger, more caring connection increases.
One thing I found particularly appealing is that, while more effective if both partners are doing this attentive, caring work, there can still be benefits if only one of you is making changes. Of course, there’s no guarantees for your relationship, but when the arguments are tamed and become more productive, you can really address your concerns about the relationship in a more effective, attentive, and caring manner.
That being said, sometimes couples need more assistance beyond a book too. There’s no shame in that. If you’re looking for a therapist, feel free to contact me at 202-460-6384 or Mike.Giordano.MSW@gmail.com