October 3rd, 2014
Sex should be fun, sensual, erotic, hot, connecting. Highlight the word should. But it’s not this way for some people. Specifically, it is sometimes not comfortable for some transgender and gender non-conforming people. One of the main culprits is discomfort with what are supposed to be sexy body parts. But if these body parts – or at least the mainstream names for them – don’t align with your gender identity, then sex becomes less than fun. However, I recently attended a workshop, by a fantastic presenter – S. Bear Bergman – that helped us all reimagine trans sexuality.
One of the basic premises – a beginning point for trans people who are trying to become more comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality as well as those who love trans people – is that people should claim their bodies as their own. And one way of doing this is naming your own sexual body parts. We learned and shared some fun and sexy words to replace often scientific and cold words. Names such as bits, entertainment center, disco stick, and bonus hole were shared. The idea that we can make what was once intrusive and upsetting into something fun and erotic is liberating. And with this liberation can come a decrease in dysphoria. Which leads to a greater sense of self-love and a healthier sex life.
We also talked about specific ways to enjoy sex that not only decrease discomfort with one’s body, but increase acceptance and self-love. When any of us – transgender and cisgender – learn how to have a happy, healthy sex life, we automatically increase our level of contentedness with lives. To learn more about trans sexuality, read the chapter in the new and excellent book “Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource Guide for the Transgender Community”. There is much more detail on specific ways of having a gender-affirming sexual life for people of all genders. Other resources include sex therapists who are also educated on transgender identities.
If you’re looking for a sex therapist or gender therapist in Dupont Circle, Washington, DC, feel free to contact Mike Giordano, LICSW at Mike.Giordano.MSW@gmail.com or 202-460-6384.